Ways to Help a Friend Through Loss

A few weeks ago I received an email from one of my very great friends asking for advice. Since then I have thought many times about how my reply to her would be good to post on my blog, because someone else may find the information useful, too. I have put it off for a while now, as sitting down to write this forces me to face memories and emotions that I usually stifle and keep hidden away.

Here is the email:

Hi Jess!

Loved the picture of you, Dale & the kids on your blog. I thought it captured all of your characteristics so well. :)

A very good friend of mine from work lost "the love of her life" yesterday to an unexpected heart attack. It's very sad! She's been married a few times, has grown children with their own children, etc. She has been with this guy for the last twelve years, she is in her late forties & they planned on getting married in the next couple of years. They were so in love -- she smiled every time she talked about him. She is DEVASTATED!! You might have heard of him before. He's the guy that owns Dick's Brewery down in Grand Mound/Rochester. You might have heard of the beer Dick's Danger.

Anyway -- I was hoping you could tell me what you appreciated the most from your friends at the time you lost your father. I'm trying to be a better friend to everyone. In past hardship situations (especially yours), I realize that I could have done things differently to show my friends how much they mean to me, how much I care, and that I'm there for them. So, with that being said -- I'm hoping to really help Lori out in every way that I can. Any ideas you have about what you appreciated the most or wished someone would have done for you -- I'm all ears! And...I apologize if I let you down a few years ago when you lost your father. Take care!

Stacy


Before I write about what I shared with Stacy, let me back up a few years.

I attended my 10 year high school reunion the evening of August 13th, 2005. I remember sitting there and a few tables over I saw my good friend Dennis Bohanon. I don't think I had seen Dennis even once in the 10 years that had passed, but he was one of my favorite high school friends. I had heard through the grapevine that he had lost his dad to cancer just two weeks before. As I sat there and watched him, wondered how in the world he could be holding it together. He had to have been in so much pain. I cared for my friend, but I didn't go up to him and tell him I was sorry for his loss, or even acknowledge it in any way. No way. I didn't know what to say. What if I would have made him cry? What if he was barely hanging on and that sent him over the edge? How awkward would that have been? I'd never lost anyone. I didn't know that level of pain. How could I relate? What could I have possibly said? I don't think I even told him hi.

That same evening, while I attended my reunion, my own dad died suddenly to a heart attack at age 52.

Do you remember the episode of Grey's Anatomy from a few years back when Dr. O'Malley looses his dad? He and Dr. Yang have the following conversation:

CRISTINA: "There's a club. The Dead Dads Club. And you can't be in it until you're in it. You can try to understand, you can sympathize. But until you feel that loss... My dad died when I was nine. George, I'm really sorry you had to join the club."

GEORGE: "I... I don't know how to exist in a world where my dad doesn't."

CRISTINA: "Yeah, that never really changes."

It really is hard to relate to someone during their time of grief if you've never been there yourself. Just like how I felt with Dennis, it's your natural instinct is to stay away. You feel like you shouldn't bring it up. Don't make them hurt. Act like nothing's wrong. Don't call or stop by, because they are probably really sad and need their space.

The best advice I have for someone who wants to show that they care but don't really know "how", you first of all have to fight your instincts. Be there for them. Acknowledge them. Don't hide away like I did. Even if you don't know what to say, just try. Or really, you don't have to say anything at all. Just be there. Your friend won't think What do you know about what I am going through...you've never been there. Trust me. They will appreciate your effort and won't forget it. Keep them company. Offer to go out for a walk. Share your favorite story about the person.

When you write a sympathy card, really sit down and think about what to write. Try to avoid My thoughts and prayers are with you. Even if that is the only thing you can think of, maybe say I have been thinking about you and I pray that God helps you find peace in the tough days ahead.

I received many flower arrangements from friends, but one person sent a house plant. I still have it, over four years later. I love it, and it is beautiful. My sister's boss gave her a Japanese Maple for her to plant in her yard. While flowers are always a kind and thoughtful gesture, think about giving something that can be appreciated for years to come.

Consider attending the service. Even if you didn't know the person who passed, but you still want to support your friend. I remember how touched I was at which friends of mine attended. Childhood friends whom I hadn't seen in years, and friends who never even knew my dad but wanted to be there for me.

For me, there were a few periods in time what were really difficult. There's aways a huge wave of support in the days following the loss, and then you have the service. After that, the flowers wilt, the cards trickle to a slow then stop, you go back to work, back to life. I felt that month two was especially hard. Your grief and pain is still so raw. This is a time you should let your friend know you are still thinking about them. Remember that their first year without the one they love and miss is especially hard and to acknowledge that during holidays and anniversaries.

Well hopefully my advice to Stacy was helpful and someone out there learned from it too.

Oh, I did get in touch with Dennis after that via email and I found sharing similar experiences to be very helpful. We are fellow members of the Dead Dads Club. Haven't seen him in years, but still consider him a good friend.