I start this post with a heavy heart. Growing up in my family, Christmas Eve was when we celebrated Christmas. We'd wait until it would start to get dark, around 4:30, then open all of our presents. After that we would go and visit both sets of grandparents, eat dinner, and open even more presents. Then we'd go home and go to bed and wait for Santa Claus to come bring that one big, exciting thing to discover on Christmas morning. But it was always Christmas Eve when the action was!
I miss my dad this morning. It has been a little over 2 years since he died. To me, the sadness that grief brought was like carrying an elephant on my back. For a long time it was always there, always heavy, always painful.
Living with my dad's death has gotten easier. That doesn't mean I miss him less, anyone who's lost a loved one will agree on that, but living day to day with the fact that they are gone does become easier. Grief is no longer an elephant on my back, but more like a little chihuahua that rides along in my purse.
I can usually stifle emotions when something makes me think of my dad or miss him. Often I can just go somewhere else in my mind or busy myself with an activity. But it's always Christmas eve when my sadness simmers to the surface. And that's ok.
Merry Christmas, dad.
Ditto.
ReplyDelete-Jenny
i read this on christmas morning. i think i bawled for 20 mins. it's so hard to have to let go and not have the people we love with us anymore. in this life, there will always be a hole that our loved ones leave when they go. i celebrate christmas in a different way this year. if it wasn't for christmas, there would be no easter, and if it wasn't for easter, there would eternal serparation from God. i'm thankful for christmas so that i can have certainty that willie (and your dad) are spending christmas in heaven. and someday we will celebrate together again...and for forever. i live with that hope despite the pain of their present absence. this is the whole point. some people are religious and some people are not. i follow jesus and believe what he said. i WILL see my brother again because of what jesus did. i don't mean to preach, but this is the point of christmas. i hope that you have that hope too. thanks for posting about your dad and about grief and about christmas. i feel your pain.
ReplyDeleteI hope that despite your pain, you were able to remember the things that made Christmas special to you with your dad and to create new memories. Thank you for sharing your feelings - you made me cry!
ReplyDeleteBring on the tissues...thanks for reminding us to pause...to remember our family and never take them for granted; hug our kids a bit tighter, kiss our parents every time we see them and tell our friends we love them - I love ya Jess...thanks for blogging!
ReplyDeleteAgain with the tears! I can't think of anything less than a novel to write about on this subject, so I'm not going to write anything at all. Except what I just did. =)
ReplyDeletehey jess, i haven't been here for awhile, but i was reading along, scrolling down, enjoying all your images and stories. until i scrolled to here. the instant i saw that shit eatin' grin i started bawling. yeah, mom always says it gets a tad easier but the pain never goes away. she's been really missing her dad... . i hope you guys are all well. much love, xoxo deb
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